A Woman Ironically

Essays

(a mini-essay.)

Sometimes I think about how fun it would be to bake some biscuits and deliver them around to the people on my street. I could make a habit of it and before long people would see me and think "that's that weird girl with the dyed hair who brings us biscuits sometimes!"

AND THEN I'm faced with a tinge of sadness as I remember that most of them will not think of me as "that weird girl". They'll think "that weird boy". Something about being seen in that way completely ruins this fantasy.

Perhaps it's this. Perhaps when I imagine being seen in that way, It's not just being seen as a boy. I imagine these people having certain biases around gender, and that from perceiving me as a boy, they might make certain other judgements. I might imagine an association which says "woman = pretty" and "man = ugly" or at least "man = doesn't know how to take care of his appearance". And I don't want people thinking that!

BUT HOLD ON because, like, really? "woman = pretty" and "man = ugly"? Does anyone actually think that? Or is it just some bias which I'm projecting on to others? And then, even if people had that bias, why should I care? They're wrong. I know they're wrong. It's stupid and should be ignored.

Maybe here's a better example. I'm insecure about my cooking ability. I fear if people find out about my lack of cooking ability they will think "Oh, she's not a real woman, she doesn't even know how to cook!"

I don't believe that, of course. I know plenty of women, cis and trans, with a variety of cooking abilities. And while there are people who believe that, I don't care about those people.

BUT still, I fear that deep down, people like my friends who I do care about still have those biases. Even if they never voice or humour such thoughts, I fear that they are still there.

TAKEN to its conclusion, this means that suddenly I, as a trans woman, am held to a higher standard than cis women. There are so many associations I project on to people, whether they make sense or not:

"woman = pretty, great presence" and "man = ugly, noxious presence"
"woman = good at cooking, generally knowledgeable" and "man = bad at cooking, generally foolish"
"woman = hard-working, industrious" and "man = lazy, complacent"

And like every little insecurity I have suddenly gets wrapped into this complex of gender. All my bad traits become masculine, and now I'm subconsciously misandrist! Even though I know it's wrong! And this must suck for the people around me too, for whom any kind of criticism against me will feel like an attack on my gender, whether it is or not.

SO YEAH it sucks being insecure. Sometimes I feel like I must live as a WOMAN IRONICALLY. I see cis women, with all these traits; good at cooking, bad at cooking, and I feel so enviously that they are able to live genuinely without anyone questioning their identity, without fearing they're falling into some t-girl stereotype. Maybe no-one actually lives that way though.

And instead here I am, living ironically. If I am bad at cooking, I must make a thing of it. I live as though everyone is secretly sexist and transphobic, and if I am not a woman in their eyes, then I at least need them to know that I am self-aware in my failure.